Of the Fall
by Mister Buch
Summary: A farewell to a Dark Lord of the Sith.
1. The Spire

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

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Of the Fall

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_Author's note: _This is a companion-piece to **'Of the Sacrifice' by Knightfall1138** - published right next to this one. It's a series of first-person shorts, in the voices of Revan's party-members. After years of missing KotOR, we decided to write ourselves a 'eulogy' for our beloved Darth Revan. ;)

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We fell together, she and I. Shared an escape pod, I mean.

Revan. It never seems... right to call her that. She's so much more than that, that image we had of the Jedi Knight, or the traitor. I hope you'll forgive a little poetic licence at a time like this. She wasn't 'Revan' to me, when we first met, not at any level. She was a raw recruit, but with a remarkable facility for languages and a looted prototype vibroblade hanging next to her blaster. She was something special. Bastila, the uh... Commander, that is, said something pretty appropriate on that mission, before we reached Taris. Before it all went to hell. _The brightest stars burn out fastest_. There might be a lot of truth to that, if you... damn it.

I, uh... I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, here. I just want to talk about her. So here goes.

She was nothing but an unconscious soldier to me until the moment she opened her eyes. I was angry, hell I was... we lost a lot of good people on the _Endar Spire_. I was damn sure not satisfied with her as my only survivor. I got her to an old apartment in a rough part of Taris' upper city, and she laid there. She never seemed comfortable being still. She had to be moving, protesting, fighting against the bedsheets. She was... cute... I, uh, I don't mean like that. It was comforting.

Funny thing is I had my suspiscions about her all along. When she was a soldier saving my neck every five minutes and doing great acts of charity right in front of me, I didn't care for her. Couldn't trust that. Maybe I was right all along. She had this shifty way of looking around when she spoke. Like she was hiding something from me, from herself. Everyone. And when she was Darth Revan... I loved her. I, I loved her. Truly. Even all those... years back, in the... huh.

I suppose you always have good memories of your first meeting with someone you come to care for, even if it was on Taris. The memory of that apartment just seems so clear to me. I'll honestly never forget... well, I've said that before, and forgotten. I don't... think I'll forget that room. The window was dusty, greasy, thick. The walls were bare, no colour anywhere yet. We were high up.

There was ah... a feeling in there. Stuffy, but good. That window didn't ever open, you know, but if it did it wouldn't have let in anything but speeder exhaust fumes. I just think of grey all around us. But it was a safe haven, there was silence in there. Huh. Except when she was asking her questions. 'What's this? What do you know about that? Why do you say that? I should go.' She asked me so many questions on Taris. I wasn't ready for that! It had been a long time since I'd met a woman like her.

So, before she'd rubbed the sleep from her eyes I'd given her a lowdown on Taris, the Sith, Bastila herself... before we left the building we'd interrogated the janitor and gotten ourselves a solid field-briefing on energy shields.

It probably sounds... ridiculous, but my strongest memory is of her calling me a 'hairless Wookiee' after I tried flirting with her. It was the first time I'd laughed in a long time. She _was_ beautiful, and I was just so drawn to her strength. Not her strength. Her... drive. She didn't necessarily make the right call every time. I'm talking about Taris here. She didn't always make the right call. But she _made_ them. Call, after call, after call. With that shifty look, taking her time every time she spoke, before she comitted herself. Every time we stopped walking, she'd change somebody's life... or end it. That's what got me interested, as well as made me suspiscious. She just kept pushing things along like she was the best intelligence operative in the fleet. Like a Jedi, maybe, but not exactly. I never thought 'Jedi' when I was trying to figure her out.

Later that day, of course, we found a real Wookiee: rescued Zaalbar from Gamorrean slavers. Immediately she just started talking to him, in some kind of phonetic human trade variation of Shyriiwook. He was almost as impressed as I was, pledged a Wookiee life-debt right there. I can understand why he did.

I didn't do much of any great importance on this mission for the Star Forge, but I was right there at her side from the start. I like to believe we were in it together. I know Jedi operate in pairs, and I kinda like that aspect of their work.

She and I fell from the _Spire_ together and, for whatever reason, we stayed that way.

'Til she left us.

.


	2. The Academy

Well it seems to me that if she doesn't even remember being Revan, it doesn't matter. It'd be like yelling at her for sleepwalking or something like that, you know?

It's been weird, ever since she told us... after, you know, Malak told her. 'Cause, for the rest of that day everyone was just sitting around the _Ebon Hawk_ by theirselves. Even Big Z and I didn't say much to each other. Everyone was just thinking, 'Aw, okay. Now it all makes sense.'

For me, it's the training. It was just a few weeks of basic, and by the end of it she was good enough to fight Malak. I knew _that_ didn't make sense.

I never saw much of Dantooine. The whole place was a liiiittle too quiet for me. The Jedi aren't exactly all they're cracked up to be, you know. Just people walking around in robes on their way to get to someplace? I don't know what I expected them to look like, but... our first day there, I got off of the landing ramp, struck up a conversation with some guy, and he just says, 'I cannot assist you, Miss. I have pressing _matters_ to attend to.' Real thick Coruscanti accent, real stiff. Kinda like the service robots, but not as polite?

I didn't have the energy to go out much anyway. I was still shaken up about Taris. Not... depressed, really, just I wasn't in the mood to talk for a while. I got real used to those four walls and the Rutian-blue electric panelling across from the bed. But in a good way.

First thing we saw when we flew in to dock at the Enclave was green. That was new to me, but I was bored of it before I even saw it up close. Tell you what I never got bored of, though, was the birds. Everytime we landed the ship at the Jedi school, this big flock of birds would be in the sky, and sometimes they'd follow us in. It was just a nice thing to see.

So, we landed and there were lots o' meetings with Bastila and Revan... or, whatever, and Carth one time, and nobody else. And eventually she figured it was time, you know, so she jogs into my room and she says, 'I want to talk to you about Taris,' or something like that. And then she stares at me while I tell her I'll be all right. I've never had parents, but I know when somebody's awkwardly trying to become one. You gotta watch out for Revan like that. She'll take control over _any_thing. 'Fourteen year old girl missing home? All right', she thinks, 'This looks like a job for the Jedi. I'll be her mom!' It's nice, but. Noooo thanks. I think eventually... after the thing with Griff... she got over that.

During the daytime I'd wander around – I'd sleep in, too, which is unlike me. And Revan'd come back sometime in the evenings, and she'd always make time for me. Awkwardly, or just because she wanted to talk. She loves to talk. I'd ask her what she'd been up to, and she told me plenty, probably more than non-Jedi or whatever are supposed to learn.

At first it was simple stuff. Philosophy and fencing. Told me about Bastila kickin' her tail and accidentally cutting her arms. You could tell when it got her annoyed too; she never quite got the hang of hiding her emotions. Hell, neither did Bastila. What do those Jedi teachers get paid for, anyways? But yeah, she'd come home and tell me about swordfighting forms, and how she wished she'd known them before. She had datapads stacked up real neatly by her bed, and she'd go over Jedi history with me. It would've been dull, except she was so enthusiastic. Now I wonder if it was the same for her the first time 'round. Did she have someone to tell everything to back then, you know. Huh, maybe Malak. Anyway, eventually, these datapads are floating in the air while she's reading them.

So that was training on Dantooine. We were there much longer than we've stayed any other place. I barely left the ship, but that's probably what I'll remember most about this whole thing, once it's over. I'll remember the blue panelling and the birds outside. When we got to Kashyyyk, you know, there were birds following us in there, too. Felt like coming home. Or maybe that was just big Z givin' me vibes.

Maybe the Jedi did her a favour, wiping her memory. Gave her a chance to read everything again, as if it were the first time. Honestly, I wish _I_ could live through Dantooine again, for the first time. Not the planet, geez, but the quiet, the training. The talks. When she finally came back with a lightsaber in her hands, built with her own hands and with her choice of colour, she was on top of the world!

Yeah, it'd be nice to see all that again. Real shame we won't be going back now.

See, I don't even know what's gonna happen now. Since we all found out who she was... since Bastila left, this trip hasn't exactly been fun. Nobody's talking now, Teethree. S'why I'm talking to you! For what it's worth.

Yeah. Beep bleep bloo. I got _no_ idea what that means, buddy.

Feels like she's not around now.

I don't honestly know much about the 'dark side' or whatever? I know she can either push things with her thoughts or else she can make lightning come outta her fingers. Her choice, I guess. And I've seen her mess with people's heads for store discounts. I love that.


	3. The Great Desert

All right, all right. Revan. Or not, as the case may be. We'll see.

She's a nice enough lass, despite everything. I'd say I prefer her company to Bastila's, anyway. Which is a good thing, since she _bothers_ me every five minutes, trying to make me into her damned Jedi mentor. When she talks, you can _see_ the brilliance, or the evil or however it currently manifests itself – what's made her so important these last few years. Playing across her lips, sparking from her hands. My improvised 'swirling Force' seems like a simpler way to describe it.

Getting to sleep is difficult for me these days, though I couldn't say why. She seems to be on my mind tonight. I doubt I'll be able to rest until I figure her out a bit. Blast it.

Perhaps a little story, then. Her tale. She seems to have gotten me back into the habit of telling stories... honestly, I'm getting sick of these fables! But if it helps me sleep, so be it.

.

Once, not very long ago, there was a girl from a remote village. For whatever reason, she got too big for that place and came to live with the priests in a nearby town. There she became very clever and everyone was immensely impressed by her. After a while, naturally, they made her their leader. She became more and more distant as she grew bigger and bigger, and eventually she found she had almost no-one to talk to.

The Great Desert was the only place with enough room for her now. She had a friend with her, at first. Another large character. Enormous, rather gangly. But he wasn't smart enough to engage her, and so she cut out his tongue. Soon she had grown cleverer than the world's languages would allow, and so she spoke through battles, through gestures. Subtle things. Eventually she had no need for a voice, or a name at all, and so she took to wearing a black mask. This allowed her to think more clearly. It made her happy. Her friend, now having no voice to lose, tried to emulate her... making scratching noises with his throat, and... all manner of unpleasant things. One day he got upset an took his inevitable revenge, and he broke her fragile mask into pieces. Confused the life out of her, I can tell you!

So, silently and helplessly, she starts running about the dunes, wondering if she ought to look for her old helpers the monks, or else make her camp someplace. The lass had always liked the sand, you see. So, back to the desert. It all ties together, repeats, like poetry. Uhgn. Goodness me.

Eventually, after she's been roaming around for days with a still, dry tongue, it _all_ happens.

In the desert she comes across a little tribe of people – much, much stupider than she is. Their chief has rather a bad feeling about all of this. Understandably! Seeing this great giant treading around in his stretch of the sand... he waves his big wooden stick around and growls at the intruder. The girl looks around and sees something she wants in his posession - _a map out of the desert_.

Suddenly something incredible seems to... drop out of the sky. As it were. In an instant her eyesight grows clearer, her limbs stronger. She can almost hear a fanfare behind her. Once again, she grows, and the power of speech returns to her, too. By the most unlikely chance, all of a sudden, she finds a way to _talk_ to the chief. Her old self starts coming back to her. Now, she _knows_ that she can get her precious map by chatting with the poor man a bit – as unbelievable as this may seem – _or with a single blow_.

She ponders the great luck she has had, and then she gets uncomfortable. Itchy, bored of standing still, as children so often are. Hungry, I shouldn't wonder. It all gets too much and she strikes the blow, without a word to the unfortunate, bewildered tribal chief. He dies immediately, falling in his burial clothes, and in the following wordless frenzy she _tears_ through the desert. People in her way are simply cut down, animals are ripped apart by their bones, all sorts of carnage! Blood everywhere. And she is only, finally exhausted when she slays a great dragon.

Now. In her frenzy and in her solitude, the girl has developed such a closeness with the desert's creatures... that she's_ become_ _one of them_, as dry and as cold-blooded and true as any other. And slowly but certainly, she actually turns into a snake. Her instincts become unnaturally fast, her clever tongue gets too quick to follow. Finally, her eyes yellow and her skin cracks right off, revealing hard scales underneath.

Back home the village elders are worried, naturally, and they tell her that now she must leave the desert, and instead go to the woods and the ocean. In the forest, she passes a young man's house. And he's just so... fascinated by the sight of this snake that he can't help but follow it. The fellow helps the snake out of the forest. He clears the branches from its path and helps it over obstacles. He even works to keep it fed. And then...

.

I suppose you need snakes, honestly, every now and again. Exar, Malak... Kraat... and so on. Stopping them is... well, something to do. Somebody, some unfortunate fellow, is _supposed_ to be the snake. Dry skin. Big teeth. Without any volunteers we'd be fighting each other, or some such. This one... this young lady has had her turn now. I hope she...

Well, that seems to have bored me enough to elicit a decent yawn. Finally! How do they expect an old man to get any _sleep_ lying in a cramped medical bay with... bright white walls...

With no door!

It's draughty! For crying out loud. Anyway, ughnm, that's the end of the story for today. We've all heard it before.


	4. The Beach

_I know that she is no longer here. Beyond that, I can say little._

_She died on one of the many 'unknown worlds' we visited. When Revan left the Rakatan temple and returned to the stretch of sand where we had forced a landing, she was without honour. Mad. She had made weapons of her Jedi talents and descended forever into shadows._

No. This isn't happening! It can't be happening.

_When Revan appeared with Bastila Shan, our spirits lifted for a moment but sank again. I only stared. The two were alone. They were quiet._

No, I...

_During Revan's quest, I did little to help. I was not present for many of the fights. I would not reminisce with our captain, as the others did._

I'm not just gonna stand aside and do nothing! You'll... you'll just have to kill me! But I don't think you will.

_My people inherantly distrust outsiders. Whenever we have met them, they have made us their slaves. Our size and strength make us useful to them, when they need to threaten their enemies or bash-in a door. Even when Mission was my only companion, these were my functions. Revan, however, bashed-in her own doors._

_There is a saying I have heard many times, not just on my homeworld: 'The enemy of my enemy is my friend'. When she rescued me on Taris, I recognised her for what she was. I owed her my life._

I don't believe you've gone over to the dark side, not totally. I don't think you'll kill me – not if I don't attack you first!

_I followed her as far as my life-debt bade me. I would have died for her, or for her cause._

Looks like you'll have to do your own dirty work, Revan! If you've got the guts.

_But she is gone. There is nothing for me to follow._

Zaalbar, what are you saying?

_Revan has left us._

Revan can't force you to do anything you don't want to! It's me, Big Z – Mission!

_I miss her, and the connection I gave to her. I vowed to protect her. Or at least, follow. And bash in doors, should she ask._

Please... Zaalbar, don't do this!

_I cannot say where she went after she left us. In the moments since, I have waited for her to return. Her leaving was too sudden, too silent. Her story is unfinished._

_She left me with so many questions. If only I could speak with her again._

_But whilst waiting, I have come to my senses. I know now that she will not come back._

Please!

_Revan may have waved a hand but I did not see it. She met my eyes directly and spoke in Galactic Basic. I heard an order to kill Mission. I do not know why I obeyed._

_The enemy of my enemy is my friend._

No!

_I raised Bacca's blade and cut into her thin armour and bones._

_Silence._

_She is no longer here. I deserted her. My life debt is broken._


	5. The End

That's all I can think of, at any rate. I'm running out of good memories, here.

I must not be explaining myself very well. She's... rejoined the Sith, or, the dark side. Right now she's probably duelling with Malak himself. It's a scene I've replayed a hundred times... in my head.

I just... I don't know, I have to say this out loud. I'm not stupid, I know I probably won't have another chance. _There's another side to her._ She's not wholly Revan. There's a woman in there.

.

Easy, pilot. Stay your course. Almost there. You'll be back in the battle in no time.

.

I think about Taris, and when she got up off that bed. The look on her face. And I pretty much had her figured, right there. She woke up with her brow furrowed and her teeth bared at the walls of that grey apartment. She was scared to death. She didn't know where she was, how she got there, what happened in the space battle. Then she... she looked at me, and she calmed down. Must have recognised me from the escape pod.

Once she was done interrogating me, she felt a little better. She had the lay of the land, then, she knew Taris. Knew how to beat it, maybe. Then we took a look around the upper city, and she talked to me again. And she _felt better_. And we flirted, too. She... reunited me with my son. Saved him. I can't believe I haven't mentioned that until now.

I just wish I could explain this to him.

Try to understand where I'm coming from, here. I left her on that planet today because she and Bastila were ready to cut me down. Mission and Zaalbar are probably dead, just like Jolee. I'm not trying to make it okay, or...

I'm trying to remember her.

She was... smart. She was determined and pig-headed and arrogant, and she knew when she was right.

I'm, ah, really not good at letting go of people. I think that's what this is.

She's gone. And it already feels like years since I saw her, and maybe she's not coming back. Maybe the Sith are coming soon, maybe the Old Republic is on its way in a few years, but not her. She's gone, into the unknown.

But not entirely. Not yet. I can't _mourn_ her yet. She's in that Star Forge with a furrowed brow and bared teeth, fighting anything they put in front of her. Bastila too.

I don't know how many people can honestly say they fell in love with a dark Jedi, but I know this one. And that's what it is with Revan: she's scared. She's in... way over her head, and she hasn't left herself a way out. Because she wants to play the hero. Take it all in hand. Save the galaxy. Again.

After the _Leviathan_, after Dantooine was levelled, after she'd been tortured and lied to and, worst of all, trapped... and after Malak told her about her true identity, she was silent. Alone. And she didn't say much of anything. After that, after that she started killing people. And eventually, I came to talk to her.

I was there. In that cockpit. To talk to her.

And I'm going to be there when she's done with Malak. And I swear, she's going to calm down when she sees my face. I'll save her, if there's _any_ way. And if we have to...

.

That's the _Ebon Hawk!_ Drop me off there, and get out of here fast. Get back to your group and make your formation!

We'll face what comes after together.

.

.

_And she left the Ebon Hawk and all its machines behind, for she knew she would not need them. And, like you, she knew she must leave all loves behind as well, no matter how deeply one cares for them._

_It would have helped had she made him understand, but a hero of the Republic, no matter how brave, cannot understand war as Revan did._

.

_The difference between a fall and a sacrifice is sometimes difficult, but I feel that Revan understood that difference, more than anyone knew._


End file.
